The Saturday List #364 - My top ten weird and wacky memories of False Dots gigs

 Over the years, The False Dots have done rather a lot of gigs, we get asked back quite a lot and many memories merge into one, but there are all manner of weird and wacky things that stand out. Most bands rehearse a set, go and play it and then go home or off to a party. It is more or less the same every time for the band. But for The False Dots, we are addicted to chaos. We've always tried to put the cat amongst the pigeons and we are pretty interactive with our audience, so things can get a little bit 'interesting'. In amongst the blur of memories, some stand out. In anticipation of our gig at The Dublin Castle tomorrow night, I have picked my top ten memories of gigs (You can see the full list of all our gigs here). 

1. 31st January 1980 - Harwood Hall, Mill Hill. Our first gig. We put it on ourselves. All of my mates from Orange Hill School, where I was a pupil turned up, including my mates The Polecats. Half of Moat Mount also turned up, as our bassplayer Paul Hircombe was still at school there. It was packed and we wanted to impress our mates. We'd been rehearsing for nearly two years. 

And then our lead singer didn't turn up. We had a quick chat and decided that we'd divvy up the songs and Craig the other guitarist and I would sing half each. As our singer had left and rejoined, it was not quite as difficult as it might have been, but we'd not rehearsed the set like this so it was very daunting.

We were all panicking, but we decided that we'd go ahead anyway. There were two other bands on with us. As we were getting ready to perform, in a state of near panic, to my horror, a reporter from the local paper turned up with a photographer. The journalist was Kevin Black, who went on to be a semi legendary music journalist. He was joined by Pete the photographer. I'd asked them down, but never dreamed they'd come. Here they were, in amongst the chaos. They gave us a great write up and Kevin was always a big supporter. We didn't mention about our singer. It actually all went rather well, but I will never forget the horror of when they turned up. 

2. 3rd April 1981 - The Midland Arms, Hendon. This was our first 'big gig'. We were supporting a band called Way of The West, who had a new single out. It was Radio 1 single of the week. We'd done a couple since the gig mentioned above and were a much better unit. The gig was being promoted by Rob Armstrong of Tape Copying Services, a top banana. We brought a big crowd. A bunch of local skinheads turned up and seemed intent on causing trouble and heckling. I've never been a shrinking violet and so I met this head on. When we started playing, they all started doing silly dances, but rather than getting upset, I started egging them on. When we played the Heartbreakers song "I wanna be loved", I got a couple of them up on stage to do the "Ooh Ooh Ooh" bit. By the end of the show, they were our top fans. There was a cassette recording and they actually sang pretty good. Stupid dancing became a bit of a thing from then on. These days people do a conga at the end!

3. 18th July 1981 - Harwood Hall, Mill Hill. This was the worst gig we ever did. Everything went wrong. Our other guitarist Craig had left and been replaced by a looney called Captain Ubungus, who didn't bother to learn the songs. It was very ropey. A bunch of herberts from Burnt Oak turned up. Half way through our song Fog, one walked up to me and spat in my face. I reacted badly. I unstrapped my guitar and hit him over the head with it, knocking him out. It had the desired effect. They were a cowardly bunch and retaliated by letting off a fire extinguisher in the toilet, earning us a ban. After the gig, about five of them tried to ambush me as I waited for my Dad to come and collect the gear. As the trouble was about to start, my Dad turned up with a wheel brace. Seeing a giant Aussie nutter screaming at them made them lose their bottle and they ran away. 

4. 18th January 1982, Pub Bastun, Aland, Finland. This gig was in the middle of our tour. Aland is an Island in the middle of the Baltic and was a duty free party haven. We were the first UK band to play there. The pub was a local music hangout. We had to play three sets. It was absolutely wild, probably the best gig we did in our first three years. We had a light show. To have enough songs, we played a few covers, including Space Cowboy by The Steve Miller Band. At the end, Mark used to do a Drum solo. We all jumped up on tables for this. The lights were cut and the light guy put a strobe on. The punters followed suit and every table had punters having a boogie as the strobe blinked. It was bonkers. As I surveyed the scene, I wondered if life would ever be as good again. After the gig, all of the punters said they'd never seen anything like it. 

5. 27th August 1982, Bell Motor Cycle Club Rally, Elstree. The band had been in a bit of a hiatus. Our bassist Paul had decided to move to France. We had a booking for Bell MCC's rally. I rang Tony, who booked us, to cancel. He told us that the other bands had pulled out and asked if we could do something. So I spoke to Craig, and we agreed that I'd move onto bass and we'd learn some covers. We had to do two sets. I was a tad apprehensive, to say the least. We were not a heavy rock band and we were playing to 300 or so bikers. One of the songs was Sweet Jane by The Velvet Underground. When we started playing it, a massive Hells Angel at the back started to stare at me. He slowly walked from the back of the tent towards me. I though he was going to murder me. When he drew level, he pulled the large joint he was smoking out of his mouth and stuck it in mine! I didn't miss a note. The last song we did was Space Cowboy. All of the bikers started doing a mad dance, which we called The Mork Dance. A few of our friends came down and that became part of the set for a while, we even had two dancers to cheerlead! After we played, I had a chat with the biker. Turns out it was his favourite song. His wife had died of cancer and her name was Jane. He was a lovely bloke. Don't be deceived by appearances.

6. 28th January 1983, The Copper, Tower Bridge Road. Our roadie Derm had asked if he could perform a number with us. Derm was a big, good looking charismatic guy. He had decided, for reasons I can't recall, that he wanted to do a "Country and western rap song" called "The Dukes of Hazard Rap. We worked out a basic country chord progression and beat. Our then singer, Eleanor Caine was horrified when we told her that we were doing it as the encore. As we relied on Derms goodwill to drive us around, I explained it was non negotiable. The gig was pretty unremarkable until the point where Derm got up. Eleanor stood at the side, staring daggers at me. Derm came up, did his rap and then started getting everyone to do a line dance. It was completely bonkers. The pub guvernor told us he'd double our money if we did country and western music and line dancing for the next gig. We should have, but it was a one off.

7. 19th May 1990, St Josephs College, Mill Hill. This was the last gig we did in the 20th century. We had an amazing singer called Tony Robotham. I actually think the set was the best we had in that period. Tony could make anything sound great. The problem was the sort of music we were playing was out of fashion, so it was almost impossible to get gigs. However we were asked to play at St Josephs College. Even better, there was a real life Princess there. She was the Princess of Tonga and was a large black lady. To our amazement, when we started grooving, she jumped up and started dancing and didn't stop until we'd finished. The other band on with us were a rock band. She didn't get up at all when they played. She asked if we could do some more songs, as she was having a great time. As the other band had got us the gig, it was a bit delicate!

8. 27th July 2011, Mill Hill Music Festival, Mill Hill Sports Club. The False Dots always hosted an indie night as part of the festival. We had the amazing Connie Abbe on vocals. A bunch of my muso mates were present. When we finished, there was a demand for another song. We didn't have one, so we just started jamming on a blues riff. Paul Amsterdam jumped up with his sax and started blowing. I wanted a beer and I'd spied Bob Stout, a brilliant guitarist in the audience. I had a wireless rig, so I jumped off the stage and gave him my guitar. Connie was rapping and doing scat singing over it. The band was brilliant. I got my beer, then jumped up, grabbed a tambourine and we jammed for another ten minutes. I have this memory of listening to them jamming from the bar, and thinking "what a great band".

9. 15th September 2023, The Dublin Castle, Camden. This was the first gig we played with Tom Hammond on trumpet. Initially Tom only played on about half the songs. He came to a few rehearsals and fitted in. However one thing I've learned is that there is a big difference between sounding OK at rehearsals and being good live. At the time, we always used to start with our reggae/dub number Wacky Races. We started playing and from the second Tom blew his first note, I knew that the band was a million times better. We've not looked back, But that moment, and seeing the reaction of the audience was priceless.

10. 22nd June 2024, The Dublin Castle, Camden.  We were supporting punk legends, The Bollock Brothers (feat Jock McDonald RIP). Tom couldn't make it, but we were doing a punky set. I think it was the moment we realised just how important Tom had become to our sound. It wasn't as good. But as a band, we always give it 100%. On the last number, Fil Ross, our bassist threw his bass guitar up in the air. To everyone's horror, he missed the catch and the neck of the bass snapped. It is an expensive Ibanez five string bass, so it was a shocking moment. Luckily, Fil is also a good guitar tech and he managed to glue it back on. But it was a horrific moment. 

If you want to see the band, please come tomorrow to the Dublin Castle.

Friday Fun 31th October 2025 + local gig round up

It's Friday. What a week its been. We are down a Prince. Donald Trump has stopped another war. Hadley FC  won a great game of football at Hertford. I had a wonderful rehearsal with my band mates in The False Dots. We had a council by election is Hendon. Each to their own, it is probably the first time I've ever been pleased that the Tories won. I know the candidate, who is a decent enough bloke. Anyway, enough of that, here is the Friday joke

The other day I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in years.

It got really awkward when we had to exchange insurance details.

— Robert Wilkinson (@robertwlk) October 28, 2025

And on to the local music round up. As all regular readers will know, my band, The False Dots have a gig this Sunday. It will be rather special, read yesterdays blog if you want to know why. We are playing at 8pm at the Dublin Castle in Camden, with the two best bands to come out of Merseyside this century!

Get your advanced tickets here - The Double Nines, The False Dots, Whelligan

And on to the rest of the local gigs in Barnet. Full details at the Barnet Music Facebook page

Friday 31st

Butchers Arms 9pm - midnight Xspired (60s, 70s, 80s and 90s covers)

Barrington 8.30pm – midnight Karaoke with Johno

Ye Olde Monken Holt 9pm – midnight DJ Sadie

East Barnet CIU Club 8pm til late Halloween Disco

 Saturday 1st

EB RB Legion 9pm – late AWOL

Ye Olde Mitre Inn, High Street 8pm – 11pm Marys Exit

Butchers Arms 9pm – 11.30pm The Beatin Hearts (Covers)

Builders Arms 8-11pm Tim Leffman

Toolans 8.30 Beyond Retro (Rock & Roll) 

Lord Kitchener 8.30pm – late Karaoke with Johnno

The Arkley Club .8.30pm – 11pm £5 cash

Peace & Love Ska and Reggae Band (Reggae Dancehall / Ska)

The Catcher In The Rye 8.30pm – 11pm Blue North (Covers)

Queens Arms 8pm – midnight Rangoon (soulful rock and blues)

Maddens 8pm – 11.30pm Cruisin Mooses (Blues/rock/soul 4 piece) 

The Cavalier 8pm – late DJ Reecie (funk soul disco)

Sunday 2nd

Ye Olde Monken Holt 7pm - 9pm Ben Rocca and Eliz Baya (Covers various)

Butchers 8.30 – 11.30pm Butchers Arms Jam Electric/Blues/Rock (Full backline available)

Monday 3rd

Ye Olde Mitre Inn, High Street 8pm – 11pm (stables room) Barnet Acoustics Session

Tuesday 4th

The Lord Nelson 7.30- Open Mic Night

Wednesday 5th

Ye Olde Monken Holt 8.30 – 11pm

Open Mic Night

Thursday 6th

Ye Olde Monken Holt 8.30 – 10.30pm Irish Session

Maddens 8.30pm – 11pm Ronnie Gordon Legacy (ska, reggae, blue, soul, latin)

Rock and Roll Stories #49 - Who wants to be a millionaire?

So here we are, three days before the next chapter in the five decade story of False Dots gigs. This Sunday, the band plays the latest in our series of gigs at The Dublin Castle. We have a little bit of history with the venue, I think it is fair to say that it is our favourite venue. They seem to like us too! We are playing with two cracking bands, Whelligan and The Double Nines. Come down if you can, it will be an amazing night. 

As we were rehearsing, on Monday, my mind drifted back to our first gig, back in December 1980. We passionately believed it was only a matter of time before we got signed and all became millionaires. Well, that was what I thought. Our then singer didn't, he never turned up! That put a bit of a spanner in the works. From the first moment of our first rehearsal back in February 1979, I knew that whatever I did or didn't do in my life, being in a band would be a big part of it. In the early days, it never occurred to me that we might not get signed and might not make it big. We always attracted an audience and they always seemed to enjoy themselves. We nearly always got asked back to venues by promoters. It seemed that we were always just one step away from 'the big break'. 

The band had all manner of offers, mostly from dodgy middlemen, who told us they'd make us millions. We wasted so much time listening to these chancers and missed so many real opportunities as they lead us down blind alleys. I can recall the moment when the penny dropped and I realised that it was all pie in the sky. Back in 1984, we had a brilliant band and we acquired a manager. We were promised a deal with EMI records. Then he stopped answering calls. Eventually I collared him and he told me that it wasn't happening. It was clear to me that if we couldn't succeed with that line up, we were never going to 'make it'. In truth, it was a liberation. I took six months out, did a song writing course, practised like mad on the guitar and then put a new line up of the band together. It was the first time since our first gig, that we were making music that we wanted to make, rather than working toward some goal, to impress some mythical A&R man, who would make us rich. I felt that with the musicians we had in the band, it had been imperative to have that dream. I realised that it wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted to do was to make music I liked and have the belief that other people might like it as well.

After my hiatus, when we unleashed the new sound on the public, it was clear to me that we were a very niche band. Some people loved it, some people hated it. No one said "Oh, its OK". Just as I felt we were getting somewhere, it all went wrong. Oddly, this was because we actually had a whiff of success. Our then new singer couldn't commit to the band in the way that we would need. It was so disheartening. We had an independent label that got what we were doing, and we had to walk away. C'est La vie! Although the label were small and low profile, they did offer us a roadmap to making a living. They explained that they loved 'Marmite bands'. If a band gets strong reactions, those who like it buy the records and buy the ethos. When a band is 'sort of ok' and everyone taps their toes but aren't moved, then no one buys the records. They wanted us to do some European gigs and a few recordings. When I mentioned this to the singer, he told me that it wasn't really feasible for him at that time. I think that was the moment the fire went out on the pipedream.

By then, I was 25. Things had moved on. Musical tastes and what was cool in music had moved on. The 1977 crop of punk and the 1979 Ska bands were no longer in fashion. The bands I liked, who had been playing big venues, had either split up or were playing to 50 people. It is really hard motivating yourself to play music, when no one will book you and no one comes along. 

But, the story didn't stop there. Like a phoenix the band rose from the ashes of crushed dreams. We were no longer chasing the dream or the bucks. We just started having a bit of a craic! The band morphed, morphed and then morphed again. Then in 2022, Tom Hammond joined us on trumpet and it all just fell into place. Sadly it was 40 years too late to make us millionaires, but bang on time in a lot of other ways. Tom turned up at a time when we were writing songs that his trumpet fits perfectly into. Not only that, but his personality also fits in well with Graham, Fil and myself. I am well past the phase in my life where I have pipe dreams of earning millions. But I am also shocked about how good we've become as a live act and also how good our recordings are. In the current world of streaming and youtube, we have attracted a large audience (by the standards of vinyl), but whereas selling 5,000 vinyl singles would give you a decent wad of cash, having 5,000 views on Youtube earns you about 50p. But I really do feel like I've won the lottery. To be able to play music you love to a small but loyal fan base is a real pleasure. And to be honest, if I'd earned a million when I was 19, I'd probably be dead by now!

And on to right now. We had a rehearsal on Monday night to run through the songs we will be performing at The Dublin Castle. It should be a great gig. We have THREE great guests jumping up with us. We have Derek Treadwell as a second Trumpet for the first two numbers. The band has been evolving our sound over the last couple of years and if you've not seen us for a while, I think you'll be very pleasantly surprise. Since Tom Hammond joined on trumpet, I think the whole sound is far more exciting and dynamic than it's been for a very long time and Derek adding to the sound really takes things to another level.

We also have Charlie Honderick jumping up to take vocals on Pusherman (I'm the man). Charlies is an amazing singer, who fronted two brilliant bands, Hamptons and Coach Hop. He sang the number back in 2007 with us. We recorded the song for a limited edition compilation CD we sold for charity at a fundraiser. The song has evolved a bit since then, we played it at a recent gig with Charlie and it went down a storm.

And finally, we have a true legend. Mr Ian "Griff" Griffiths jumping up on vocals as well. Griff is a legend. He's recently had a no 1 single and fronts a brilliant drivetime show on Rock and Roll Radio. It is an honour and a privilege to have him join use. We think you might enjoy it!

Rog T Food Blog - Who ate all the pies?

Lets start with a little deviation, lets face it, we all love a little bit of deviation on the sly, don't we? Anyway, I was thinking about what to write for my Thursday blog, in the Rock and Roll Stories. I was toying with the subject of great heckle responses. One of the joys of being in a band is that sometimes herberts think it is clever to shout abuse, not realising that us old hands are used to it and have a riposte ready. A few years ago, I was on the receiving end of a bit of it. I'd let myself get a tad out of shape and was carrying a few extra pounds. I used to do a bit in the show when I'd ask the audience if they had any questions, when one of my band mates was tuning up or adjusting a drum. A bright spark yelled "Yeah, who ate all the pies?" Sadly he hadn't really thought this through. His partner, standing next to him was a lady who clearly enjoyed tucking into a nice dinner. I shot back "Your missus, by the look of it". Everyone turned around, looked at them and burst out laughing. I felt awful. I realised that I'd done a horrible thing. She hadn't been heckling me and I'd embarrassed her. I could've easily aimed a riposte at him. 

I decided that, if they were still there at the end, I'd buy them a beer and apologise. Sure enough, at the end, they were at the bar. I made my way, issued an apology and offered a beer for the pair of them. She burst out laughing, said "Never mind love, I love a good pie actually". It turned out that she was a good laugh and a good sport. She added "The reason he's such a skinny little runt is I nick all his pies". We then spent half an hour discussing the relative merits of our favourite pies. I must emphasise that she was cross, not with me, but with him, for being a knobhead with an ill thought out heckle. I vowed to never make the same mistake again, even though it ended up with us having a bit of a laugh. Anyway back to matters in hand!

I was thinking about this last week. We were in Portugal and had a lovely meal at a very decent restaurant in Ericeira called Cem Lugares Bisto. After the meal, we got chatting to the rather lovely chef and she was asking about some ideas for Northern European foods for the menu. I, of course, suggested that she consider a pie. I explained what I felt were the constituents of a proper pie. These are pastry top and bottom, good gravy and good quality meat. My favourite is a proper steak and kidney pie. To the horror of my family, we chatted for about fifteen minutes. Theycould not believe that I was telling a chef what to cook. I explained that she'd asked. Whether or not she took my ideas on board is up to her, but I've always found that if you listen to people with a genuine love of a subject, you learn something.

As regular readers will know (London Symphonies - "And on the eighth day God created pie and mash") , I am on a bit of a mission to seek out all of London's remaining pie and mash emporiums and sample their wares. I do love traditional pie and mash, even though the pies are  only my secondfavourite, as explained above. I have several bugbears with pies, usually in posh emporiums. I hate it when you order a pie and get some soup in a bowl with pastry on top. That is not a pie! It has to have a bottom, which has to be soggy! I hate small portions of pie. It is a hearty, wholesome food and meant to be served in large portions. Although I love spicy food and curries, I prefer pies to be relatively plain. Although a lot of folk love chicken balti pies at football, give me a steak and kidney any day.

I gave up eating meat for sixteen years, from 1984 until 2000. There were only really three things I missed. Bacon rolls, sausages at barbecues and steak and kidney pies. Sadly, it is getting ever harder to get a proper steak and kidney pie. It seems that the X generation do not do offal. I am sure when they all reach 50, that offal will make a massive comeback, especially in pies. During this period, I ate a lot of cheese and onion pies. I learned that, like all food, if you use bland cheese, it doesn't work. We went to one decent vegan restaurant that did a mushroom pie that was perfect. It was perhaps the best pie I've ever had, but I think the chef had a Michelin star and it was a tenner! The best thing was that it wasn't fancy. 

Then there are pudding pies. I do not have a sweet tooth, but I do love apple pies. That for me is the steak and kidney pie of the pudding world. Ideally, not to sweet, made with cooking apples. Served with custard, it is heaven. I get really cross with fancy restaurants that don't serve apple pie and custard. If I ever become Prime Minister, it will be compulsory. I don't mind if they buy a cheap one from Iceland and keep it in the fridge and serve with tinned custard. It is a million times better than a Tiramasu or such monstrosity. 

I genuinely believe that people who don't like pies are sad individuals, who don't really understand how to enjoy themselves. To me, anyone over the age of 35, who is overly thin, without a medical reason, is someone who has never really understood that you only get one shot at life and eating food is a pleasure. I don't want to live to be 100, if it is a life without pies.

What is going on? I feel like I'm living someone else's life?

 There are only really two places I ever think deeply about life. The reason? Everywhere else I have constant distractions. One is at mass on a Sunday morning and the other is in the jacuzzi at the Virgin health club in Mill Hill East, on the rare occasion when there is no one else in there. Today, I had a good ten minutes without interruption, I had a good chance to reflect on things, after a strenuous workout. My mind tends to wander in the strangest tangents at such times. As I was enjoying the peace and quiet, half in a slumber,  a really disturbing notion came into my head. I had the realisation that I no longer feel like I am me anymore. I feel a bit like I am somebody else, inhabiting my mind. This was quite a disturbing thought. It jarred me from my peaceful reflection. I felt a need to mentally touch base with reality. I started doing a stocktake of my memories. Early ones as a child, recent ones. I realised that I was still me. But I still felt odd and out of place. It was rather puzzling. 

My mind went into overload, why did I feel so detached. I realised that it wasn't me. It was everything else. I am not quite sure when it first started, but I have noticed that in recent weeks, months and years, people who I thought I knew really well suddenly start expressing the strangest views. When a stranger comes up and starts saying things, I have no context to judge them against. When you've got friends you grew up with and they start expressing views that seem to be the polar opposite of what you thought they believed, it is very difficult. If it was just one or two people and they were dropping acid, I would not really have a problem. When they haven't and it is dozens of people I've known for years, it is hard. Now I have always believed that people are entitled to think and believe what they like. But when you have a firm idea of what you believe people's characters are like, built up over decades, and lubricated with a lot of alcohol on the way, it is different. Were they always like this and did I just not notice?

It is not just people who are acting strangely. When you watch TV, listen to the radio, go to the cinema, we have a portal into a world that is slightly unreal. Before I went to jacuzzi, I did a 20K cycle. The bikes at Virgin allow you to watch TV. Usually I watch Tipping Point. It is the only quiz show I really enjoy, as I like those slot machines you find on piers, and it gives me a warm buzz. Sadly today, ITV had deal or no deal, which is as dull as dishwater. I flicked through the channels. BBC News, Sky News, GB News. I managed about two minutes of each. BBC News? Worthy and as dull as dishwater. Experts giving opinions that were so bland as to be meaningless. Both the right and left criticise the BBC as being biased towards the other. In truth, to me they simply employ bland people who try and sit on the fence and not get too many splinters up their bum. Sky News? The experts all seem as if they have simply spent five minutes googling the subject before they came on and were trying to have a range of mildly controversial to at least gain a modicum of reaction. They all seem to me as if they've never actually walked down the Old Kent Road, let alone go to any of the places they are talking about. GB News? I rarely watch it and now I know why. It seems to employ a bunch of raving looneys to spout the controversial views to get the blood flowing of the normal working man. 

The hot topic was the mistaken release from prison of an illegal immigrant who had committed sex offences. Now I know a little of how prisons run. A friend of mine was Duncan McLoughlan, who was the governor of the Maze Prison in Northern Ireland during the troubles. Over a decade ago, he told me that prisons were at breaking point, experienced staff were leaving and not being replaced, the fabric of the buildings was falling apart and the systems being used were not up to scratch. I asked what would happen. His answer was chilling. As I recall he said "If prison officers are not well paid, well looked after and supported by management, they are susceptible to criminal gangs. If prisoners do not have a basic quality of life, they get unruly and hard to manage and if you do not have experienced officers, who you can trust, using fit for purpose systems, mistakes are made, people are incorrectly released, housed in the wrong wings, etc. When all of these things happen, the prison service is untenable".

The service was being underfunded then and it is far worse now. When you have ignorant pundits calling for the Home Secretary to resign (who has been in place for all of five minutes), because "it is on their watch", you are spectacularly missing the point. Training officers, sorting out dilapidated buildings, putting in systems that are fit for a digital world with drones takes time, costs money and us, the taxpayer has to pay for it. If the Home Secretary gets sacked every time a prisoner is incorrectly released, then you'd have a new one every week and they'd never learn. But not a single pundit said this. As I say, I am not an expert, but I have had access to someone who was, so I have a clear idea of the problems. It seems to me that the BBC don't want to say it because they don't want to express an opinion, Sky News don't want to say it because their guests were too thick to google "root causes of UK prison crisis". Here is an extract of what Google's AI search said

• Underfunding and understaffing: Deep funding cuts in the early 2010s have not been fully reversed, and the prison system has struggled with staff reductions, making it difficult to manage the population effectively.
• Lack of adequate capacity: The number of prison places has not kept pace with the rising demand. A promised building program has also faced delays, leaving the system stretched thin.
• Ineffective alternatives to prison: There has been a failure to sufficiently invest in alternatives to prison and preventive services, meaning more people end up in custody when they may not need to be.
• Systemic issues within the criminal justice system: The combination of court backlogs and a more risk-averse probation service, partly due to high-profile failures, has created pressure at multiple points in the system. 

As you can imagine, none of that was what the bonkers looneys on GB News were interested in. 

Now if it was just one story on the news which was like this, I'd scarcely notice, but it seems to be every story. The news should be the reporting of facts, by reporters on the ground. It has become a procession of talking heads, who seem to me to be completely ignorant, in a studio. It's true of all of the news channels. Each has its own sort of pundits, but none are much good. I have, very occasionally, been asked to be a pundit on the news. Mostly around libraries and music industry issues. What they want is a pithy quote of less than ten seconds. It is impossible to say anything of value in such a short time. 

As I lay and soaked, I realised that what was making me feel so disconnected was the fact that I was born and raised in a different world. One where facts, rather than opinions was the main content of TV news. Reporters went to the scene of newsworthy items and dug up stories. I suspect most news teams now simply trawl Twitter for good clips, that fit their agenda. Elon Musk claims Twitter has democratised information. The problem is that if every news story has a million tweets, where 99% of the people do not know the facts and are simply banging keyboards in their bedrooms, how can anything be deemed worth reading? It isn't Musks fault that finding the truth on Twitter is like spotting your relative in the crowd at Old  Trafford, when you watch Match of The Day. 

I realised that it wasn't so much I feel I am inhabiting someone else's body, and I've stolen their memories. I realised that I am now in a world that is completely alien. There is little on TV that interests me, except football. Actually finding anything interesting on social media becomes harder every day. I am lucky, I am into music and I play in band. Watching live music gives me some respite from a world which is completely dysfunctional. I almost feel like when they switched on the Hadron collider, they warped us into a parallel world, where things superficially look the same, but are in truth completely different and alien. It's just that they didn't, it happened on this world and none of us noticed. If you want a dose of reality, why not come to the Dublin Castle on Saturday and experience something real and raw for a change. The False Dots may not cure the world, but we may take your mind off the fact it's become a lunatic asylum for an hour or two!

The Saturday list #363 - My Top ten songs with a story behind them!

Earlier this week, I was on Rock Radio UK and I picked and played ten songs that have interesting storys behind them.

If you want to know the story behind them, you'll have to listen to the show! Apart from one song, that is. I talked so much I ran out of time and didn't tell the story of Stiff Little Fingers by The Vibrators. The song itself has not got a back story I'm aware of. However, a bunch of young herberts in Northern Ireland were putting a band together and were stuck for a name. They had just bought London Girls, a single by The Vibrators and when they played the B-side, which was Stiff Little Fingers, Jake Burns said "That would be a great name for a band". So an obscure B-side from a single that wasn't a hit, took on a whole life of its own! There you go

And just a reminder, The False Dots are a playing live at The Dublin Castle next Sunday, 2nd November at 8pm. Please come down.

.

Rock and Roll stories #48 - Songwriting as a storyteller

 One of the nice things about playing with The False Dots is the fact that we get a lot of compliments about my songwriting style.I have three main themes in my songwriting these days. The first is autobiographical stories. I am very influenced by Ian Dury in my songwriting, and Dury wrote classic songs like "My old man" and also some of the work of the Faces such as Ooh La La (written by Ronnie Wood and Ronnie Lane). These songs are filled with nostalgic imagary, and they are three minute long stories and tales, with a large amount of personal history. Examples in our set are songs like Men & Motors (about growing up in a family in the motor trade and the characters that worked for my Dad), Rambo's rampage (based on stories our drummer Graham Ramsey told us about his experience as a Mod in the late 1970's) and our single last year "Don't be scared of a finger up the bum", about my experiences with Prostate cancer. All of these songs have got a great reaction by people who hear the lyrics and are reminded of their own experiences. I have to admit that until recently, I never actually opened up on my honest feelings in songs, apart from our 1982 classic, A memory for you, which I wrote the night my sister Val had a bad bike accident and we were told she was likely to die. She didn't, she got better and I felt self consciously embarrassed about the song. The song was released on a compilation album and has recently become a minor hit in New York college circles, after being included on a playlist of bands with female singers. When I was younger, I found it harder to open up about things, and thought people wanted shouty slogans about the world. Most of the time, they don't, unless you are a very good songwriter.

The second group of songs, and this is something that goes back to our earliest songs, are what I like to call musical novels in three minutes. Often there is some sort of element of truth in there. One of our earliest songs that got noticed was "Not all she seems", the tale of a cross dressing prostitute and their struggles. There was an element of truth, but we embellished it. Sadly the real ending is worse. Then there is Longshot didn't die. It was inspired by the Pioneers "Longshot kick da bucket". My original idea was to write a Ska song for Lee Thompson and Jenny Bellestar to sing with the band. When I played it to Lee, he said that I sang it pretty well, so I never acutally asked him. It is the keystone of our set. It tells the story of how bad betting can ruin your life. It was actually inspired by a good friend of mine, who split up with her husband after his gambling nearly lost them her house. Another song from this school is Action shock. I wrote this in bed with an ex girlfriend, watching the news coverage of the Battle of Goose Green. It is the story of a squaddie who buys into the idea of being in the army being great fun, only to find that when it is you against another human being and one of you will die, it's not much fun at all. I edited the lyrics, after I met a mate who'd been in the Royal Marines and had been there. After he left the army, he spent three years smoking spliffs up a mountain in Nepal to get his head together. 

The third group of songs, are the ones which really mean nothing, but I get a strong riff and a hookline in my head. A good example of this, was the False Dots last single Groovetown. The inspiration for this, and I hope he doesn't mind me saying, was when I was at a gig with my mate Boz Boorer and his wife Lyn. I was boozing at the bar with Boz and Lyn was dancing to the band. Boz said "When Lyn dances, she is the sexiest woman alive". I thought it was a great line. As I developed the song, it got lost, but I  just wanted a song that people could have a dance and a laugh to and not really think about too much. It seems to work as people have started doing the Conga to it.

In the early days of my songwriting, there was a fourth category of song, as mentioned earlier. These were largely political rants, that weren't very good. We were inspired by bands like Crass and wanted to be really hard core. My then songwriting partner Pete Conway and myself were advised by my eldest brother Laurie to listen to The Velvet Underground, saying that was where punk rock started. When we listened to them, we immediately dropped all of the hardcore political sloganising and embarked on writing mini stories. We were only sixteen and it took a long time for me to get my style properly together. 

The most important thing for me, and I'd recommend this to anyone, was when I did a professional songwriting course in 1985. The key message was "be focuseed on what you want the song to do". Whereas I'd written some decent songs before the course, The False Dots set was a mish mash of ideas that sometimes worked and sometimes didn't. I like to think that now the songs are at least coherent and when we play a set, the right songs are played at the right time in the set. One of the absolute key takeaways from the course was the need for musical hooks. As most people don't know our music, the challenge is to get them singing along by the third chorus. That is a measure of a strong hook.  My advice for all budding songwriters, is simple. Be focussed, make sure the songs have great hooks, have lyrics that connect to an audience. It can be one word, or it can be a verse that tells a story. Make sure it is musically interesting all the way through. I do not really like tempo changes as middle eights, as this can mess up the vibe and distract and always keep the key melodies near the heart of the song. I hear so many songs by new artists that have a great melody that gets lost. I am not a big fan of long, meandering intros with no melody or lyrics. Also make sure you write songs that suit the players. Write in a key that a singer can sing in. We've relatively recently acquired Tom Hammond as a trumpet player. Tom recently commented that some of the songs were in "difficult keys". I have taken this on board going forward. Historically I wrote songs in keys with easy guitar chords. When I started working with good singers, I realised that it is best to write in keys that they can hit the notes in, without straining. I hope all of these tips are useful. 

On Tuesday, I was on classic Rock Radio. My mate and presenter Griff Griffiths commented that my songs tell a story and I explained how I was inspired by other songwriters and the stories in their songs. So he asked me to do a playlist for him to play on the show, along with some new songs from customers at Mill Hill Music Complex.

West London Orbital Railway - A measure of Sadiq Khan's failure?

Almost since this blog first started in October 2008, we've followed and supported proposals for the development of a lightly used freight railway between Cricklewood and Acton as a passenger railway to releive pressure on the North Circular and to open up access to West London. 

The first blog on the subject was posted in January 2009, when local transport campaigner contacted me to see if I supported the Brent Cross light railway scheme. This was an ambitious scheme to convert several disused and freight lines into a tram network. I thought the scheme warranted serious investigation. Needless to say, the local Tory regime of Mike Freer and Brian Coleman had no interest at all. Although it was pretty clear to me that elements of the scheme were, shall we say, a tad overambitious, I thought it was a genuine attempt to crystalise the options for public transport in North West London. The more I researched the subject, the clearer it was that there was one part of the scheme that was an absolute no brainer. That was what has become the West London Orbital Railway proposal from Acton to Brent Cross. When Richard Cornelius became Tory leader of Barnet Council, I discussed this with him. To my surprise, he agreed and informed me that there was a forum called the 'West London Alliance', which formed local councils. Richard was committed to pushing the scheme through. He informed me that the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson was also broadly supportive, if the scheme could be demonstrated to be viable and technically feasable.

In 2016, Sadiq Khan became Mayor of London and in 2017 TFL adopted the West London Orbital Scheme as one of the higher priority schemes on the table for London. Studies were done to assess the feasability and in laymans terms ( I don't write blogs for industry insiders who know all of the technical language), it was a complete no brainer. It met all of the criteria for a public infrastructure project in terms of cost benefits and technical feasability and could be delivered quickly. It opened up opportunites for over 12,000 new homes and would make getting from across the West of London far easier by public transport. Just to illustrate, I went to watch Brentford FC play at home recently. The journey took nearly 90 minutes. With WLO, it would take 19 minutes from Hendon to the nearest station. 

The only fly in the ointment is that there is no funding for the project. We have seen, with the Elizabeth line, what happens when you provide good quality public transport. However despite such lessons being there for all to see, the plans languish at the bottom of a pile of papers with the treasury and the Chancellor Rachel Reeves. It seems to me to be incomprehesible that any competent chancellero cannot understand that investment in infrastructure makes you money. A competent Mayor would be banging the drum loudly, pointing out the huge return on investment such projects deliver. We were promised that when we had a Labour Mayor and a Labour government, such things would be delivered. The opposite has happened. We have a situation where the Mayor is unwilling to critise or put pressure on the chancellor. My biggest issue with Sadiq Khan is that he is clueless when it comes to business and money. He doesn't seem to understand that the way to make money is to invest and so all he does is sit on his hands. If we had a dynamic Mayor, the scheme could have been delivered, in some form by now and be delivering benefits to the TFL budget. Instead, we hear that it is 'behind a DLR extension in the queue for cash'. It is ridiculous to manage infrastructure schemes in such a manner. There is a massive difference between borrowing money to build projects that make you money, as opposed to borrowing simply to shore up budgets that you have mismanaged. 

I suspect that part of the reason that Rachel Reeve is scared of making such commitments, is that she's seen how badly HS2 has been mismanaged and doesn't want scuh a cock up on her watch. This is misguided. WLO is a completely different beast. There is very little building required, apart from a few new stations. Some works to change track layouts and a major resignalling of the line will be needed. These will add beenfits for the existing freight channels as well as the new passenger service. There is also the cost of new trains. Unlike a brand new railway, all of these are very uch known quantities. 

In fact the only real unknown in the whole WLO process is what is going on in the brain of the Mayor and the Chancellor.I was foolish enough to believe local Labour politicians when they said that Labour would deliver such things. The Mayor seems to have no idea on how to bring London behind the scheme. Yesterday, the Evening Standard reported that the line would be renamed in line with other Overground lines. This has launched the usual deluge of 'anti woke' nonsense from right wing pundits on Twitter, who are more concerned about what the line is called thah whether it is actually built.  What they miss is that renaming the scheme now actually costs nothing as no signage and maps need replacing. A similar thing happened when they decided Crossrail would be called the Elizabeth line. It only costs money when the thing has been built and the maps and signage rolled out, but personally, I'd rather we didn't have announcements that make it a political football before its been delivered. 

A scheme that costs £6-700 million and delivers a billion pounds in benefits and revenues is a no brainer. If the scheme isn't underway with a set opening date by the time Sadiq Khan stands again for Mayor, then as far as I am concerned, his legacy will be one of demonstrable failure. Of all the thoughts that horrify me, the idea that in sixteen years I might still be writing blogs about how it should be built and what a no brianer it is. CAn you imagine, in 2039, a 30th anniversary blog of campaigning for a project that is a real no brainer?

Oh and just in case you wanted to know my suggestion for a name? I'd call it the Brent Line. This is because it goes from Brent Cross to Brentford, linking two ends of the river Brent. The fact that it seems to be managed rather like a project run by David Brent in the Office is purely a coincidence.

The Sunday Reflection #65 - A reminder of the Church of my youth

 Yesterday, my nephew got married. It was a traditional service in a beautiful old Roman Catholic church in Portugal, as his bride is Portuguese. The service was largely conducted in Portuguese, although some elements were in English. The service was held as part of a mass. It really took me back to my youth. When I was small, all masses were held in Latin, so I understood nothing. It was rather similar. I got to thinking just how much has changed in the Catholic Church. For me, it is unrecognisable. The Church I attend in London is the Sacred Heart in Mill Hill. Itw as knocked down and completely rebuilt in 1996. The new church is modern, more comfortable and far more practical. The old Church had far more atmosphere and felt, to me, far more like a church. 

It is not just the building that is different. Priests used to be known by their surname, so the parish priests were Fr Dowley, Fr Corkery, etc. Now they are Fr Eugene and Fr Chinedu. The Priests in Mill Hill were also always Irish. These days, they tend to be from Africa. Fr Eugene Curran, who recently left was most likely the last Irish parish priest in Mill Hill for a very long time. 

Another difference is that when I was young, alter servers were boys. Now girls are allowed. In fact it seems that there are far more girls serving than boys. The Church has not moved to female priests yet, unlike the Church of England. Personally, I'd like to see this silly rule changed. I think it might solve a lot of the problems the church is facing. I am not a theologian, but I like to think I have common sense.

Another difference is the hyms sung. I used to love the old Victorian hymns, that the congregation would belt out, accompanied by a grand organ. Sadly the organ went with the old church, and it is rare to hear the 'old classic' hymns. 

The question I was pondering during the service was whether I prefer what the Church has morphed into? The honest answer is that I am not entirely sure. I much prefer a sung mass in Latin with incense, it is beautiful. I don't feel that the lack of understanding of what is happening affects my closeness to the Almighty. In fact I think it enhances it. I also preferred the formality of priests using surnames, it seemed more repsectful. Then again, it is nice to not freeze in mass. It is odd that the church has modernised in all the wrong ways to me. I'd rather that they sorted out the child abuse, etc rather than get us to call priests their first name. I have no problem with female or married priests. The world didn't end when they brought in female alter servers. I happen to believe we all have a little bit of God in us, so we should not discriminate. 

Wanna hear some great new music? Be the first one on your block! Tell your mates

 I have been a musician for all of my adult life. I've played in the same band for nearly 47 years, and I've seen all manner of musical styles and fads come and go. There have been lulls in music and great peaks. In London currently we have a really schizophrenic situation at the moment. We have amazing bands, playing great music, often to decent sized crowds. However, live music venues are closing, promoters are struggling to make a living, the bands generally get paid little. Perhaps the hardest thing of all is for bands to get from playing great shows to 50 people to making a proper career where playing music is their day job, playing bigger venues on a regular basis.

As someone who does pay the bills running a music related business, I see the way many musicians struggle. One of the biggest problems artists have is connecting with the audience for their music. You can record the very best song in the world, but if no one ever gets to hear it, then it will never take the artist forward. As a '77 punk rocker, I have always been of the opinion that if someone slams the door in your face, you kick it in. Our mainstream radio stations seem to be totally uninterested in what is going on in the grassroots music scene. So what can be done? Well I've hooked up with a good mate of mine, Griff Griffiths, who does the drivetime show on Rock Radio UK.

Having had a chat with Griff, I suggested that we do a  shout out to the bands that use my studios and also on social media and we asked for artists to submit tracks, so that we can play them on Griff's show. Rock Radio UK has a listenership of around 100,000 and is constantly growing. I was shocked and pleased to get over 50 submissions. I spent a couple of days listening to them all. Nearly all were excellent. I sent them over to Griff and his team and we will be playing four of them on his show on Tuesday. As the station is a specialist Rock station, we had to limit it to Rock tracks. The good news is that the listeners know their mustard and the station will connect the artists with a ready made audience.

If the show gets a good response, we will be chosing some more.

I have a date for your diary! If you are not doing anything on Sunday 2nd November, why not come down to watch my band, The False Dots and a couple of other great bands

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by The False Dots (@thefalsedots)

And as it's Friday, here are the local gigs (follow the Barnet Music Facebook page for full details)

Friday 17th
Builders Arms 8.30pm – 11.30pm Groove Rats (rock/blues)
Kings Head 8.30pm – 11.30pm  The Curfew (Classic rock)
Butchers Arms 9pm – 11.45pm Redriffe (classic rock 4 piece)
Sebright Arms 9pm – 11.30pm Runner Brothers (rock covers)
The Arkley Club 7.30pm - late £10 cash entry Vikki Clayton + Floor Spots
Barrington 8.30pm – midnight Karaoke with Neil
Ye Olde Monken Holt 8.30pm – late Robert Storey (DJ) Soul Storey

Saturday 18th
EB RB Legion 8.30pm - late Soul Chain
Lord Kitchener 8.30pm – late Karaoke with Johnno
Butchers Arms 9pm – 11.30pm Bear Pit Band (pop/rock covers 4 piece)
Toolans 9pm X - Pressions 

Maddens 8pm – 11.30pm Cruisin Mooses (blues/rock/soul 4 piece)
The Arkley Club 8.30pm - late £5 cash entry Back To Legends disco

Sunday 19th
Butchers 8.30 – 11.30pm
Butchers Arms Jam Electric/Blues/Rock (Full backline available)
Toolans 8.30 Kieran White

Monday 20th
Ye Olde Mitre Inn, High Street 8pm – 11pm (stables room) Barnet Acoustics Session

Tuesday 21st
The Bull Theatre £5 Acapella & Accoustic Speakeasy 14+ (3rd Tuesday)
further details from Nikki or Tim 07754067594 07956875758

Wednesday 22nd
Toolans 5pm-8pm JJ Galway
Ye Olde Monken Holt 8.30 – 11pm Open Mic Night

Thursday 23rd
Ye Olde Monken Holt 8.30 – 10.30pm Irish Session
Maddens 8.30pm – 11pm Ronnie Gordon Legacy (ska, reggae, blue, soul, latin)Thursday

Friday 24th
Butchers Arms 9pm – 11.30pm Harripaul (pop/rock/jazz/blues)
EB RB Legion 9pm – 11.30pm Broken Bones (Classic rock 3 piece)
Lord Kitchener 8.30pm – late Jamie Callis (Solo artist)
Builders Arms 8 – 11pm Tim Leffman
Kings Head 9.15pm Jamie Whelligan
Barrington 8.30pm – midnight Karaoke with Neil

And if it's Friday, it is time for a joke!

I ordered some cheap German food from Ebay

The sauerkraut is awful and the wurst is yet to come.

And finally, have a great weekend!